Hajja Salesjana

interests, fears, hopes, and goals. We may think of it in this way: When we choose to spend our life with someone, we hand them a map to our inner world. Our inner world is, of course, quite complex, including the memories of our past, the details of our present, and our hopes for the future. It includes our deepest fears and our grandest dreams. The map we hand to our partner at the beginning of our relationship is a pencil sketch. The task for new couples is to intentionally add details to that map. It needs scale, direction, and a legend. Because a person’s inner world changes as they pass through the seasons of life – like when the children grow up – a spouse needs to revise and add to their Love Map to stay in tune with their partner. Thus, one of the tasks of a successful marriage is to be constantly adding landmarks, texture, and colour to our Love Map. This occurs through asking questions, listening, and turning towards our partner in good and bad times. A detailed Love Map thus brings perspective to the twists and turns that inevitably enter a marriage. It is critical that we prioritise this effort early. If we do not start off with a deep knowledge of each other, it is easy for our marriage to lose its way when our lives shift suddenly and dramatically. Successful couples use their Love Maps to understand each other, and to show fondness and admiration. Indeed, marital friendship is the thing that sustains a relationship. A couple who has been married for 42 years did not stay married because of the absence of conflict, or their enthusiastic sex life, or their good luck. They stayed married because they liked each other – they knew each other. This is the primary task of couples as circumstances change – to continue getting to know our partner. There is, and always will be, more that we do not know about our partner than we do. We may want to develop our questions based on our relationship. The object of this is not to demand answers but to get us chatting about what may have changed in our spouse’s life over the last few years. We may be surprised at the answers. This may also be a good opportunity to share our own feelings and thoughts. Couples in satisfying marriages create shared meaning with individual stories that overlap. Finally, it is worth congratulating ourselves on arriving at this stage of our lives together. Indeed, while an empty nest can feel lonely, the transition offers couples an opportunity to renew their vows of connection and intimacy – one chapter has ended but another has just begun. Photo by Esther Ann - www.unsplash.com 25 Jannar-Marzu 2022 hajja