Hajja Salesjana

As any parent can attest, this is harder than it sounds – for us and them. With the kids growing up comes the time to ponder where we are at in the relationship. This can bring about a mixture of emotions, as it signifies the end of a particular life stage. This phase can sometimes bring about feelings of loss, commonly known as the empty nest syndrome. Parents may experience this in different ways, but feelings of grief or lack of purpose are common and can affect our relationship with our partner. A marriage under scrutiny The empty nest calls on parents to look at their own lives and what they set aside in order to raise their kids. This includes their dreams, intimacy, and what they and their spouses want to nurture in their own lives. Whilst children are growing there is little time to think about our relationship – we are too busy making sure that, at least, most of the balls we are juggling stay in the air. Sometimes, the child played a significant role in the family as mediator, bringing the parents together. When that child leaves, it is common for long-term problems in the marriage to surface. Although one study found that couples were actually happier for a time after the kids left home, some experts say that couples who wait until the kids are gone before dealing with their marital problems run a greater risk of late-life separation or divorce. Preparing for children leaving home Despite the inevitable limitations, it is imperative for couples with young children to nurture their marital relationship. When a couple has done that, kids benefit too. Eventually, they can leave home, knowing that the parents will still keep well. Indeed, it may feel far more difficult for kids to leave if their parents are separated or unhappy, as they may feel responsible for their parents' wellbeing. If children are planning to leave within a year or so, it is imperative that we focus on the positive steps that they are taking in their life, whilst acknowledging that we will miss them. We also need to be honest with our partner. Feeling miserable without sharing this with our spouse prevents them from being able to offer the comfort we crave, potentially leading to frustration, alienation, and resentment. Building Love Maps The famous couples researcher, John Gottman, came up with the term ‘Love Maps’ to describe the place in the brain where one stores details about their spouse’s history, Photo by Svien Mieke - www.unsplash.com 24 Jannar-Marzu 2022 hajja