Hajja Salesjana - Oct-Dec 2021

26 H AJJA S ALESJANA work, despite promising you they would be back for dinner? How do you interpret your partner complaining about your weight gain? Try to look for the meaning behind your immediate feelings and reactions. Do you feel dismissed? Taken for granted? Not good enough? Are these feelings familiar to you? Where might they have originated? Might your partner’s behaviour remind you of a deeper and earlier wound you experienced in your life? How might you be trying to protect yourself from getting hurt? Tune in to your body and listen to its cues - what might it be trying to tell you? What might your inner wisdom be telling you in such situations? - Try to identify your partner’s feelings. What might your partner be seeking when they complain? What might they be saying about their love language? Ask open-ended questions that demonstrate a genuine desire to understand, rather than condemnation. Avoid making assumptions about your partner’s intentions. When in doubt, check with them. Minimise contempt. Instead, do try to remain open to the value of the other person, and what they contribute to the relationship, even when this might be different to what you expect. - Be empathic and compassionate. Bear in mind that both you and your partner have wounds, and these will inevitably manifest within your relationship. This does not mean that you have to condone lies and betrayal. Do try, however, to maintain an open mind. Rather than telling your partner how they should be feeling, try to hold the space for expression of their feelings, even when these are hard to hear. Try not to react defensively. Instead, respond with a willingness to understand their experience and point of view. - Validate your partner’s efforts to connect. Because we all carry different kinds of baggage, we also seek different ways of connecting with each other. Whilst your partner’s method might not be the one you would choose, try to ensure that you respond by turning towards your partner, rather than away from them. Indeed, even a complaint might be a bid to connect – it is worth being mindful of the ways our partner is communicating a desire to be closer to us, and acknowledging this in our response. Finally, building emotional security is an ongoing process that entails a commitment from both persons in the relationship. The perfect relationship does not exist. Whilst we will inevitably disappoint each other sometimes, our challenge is to ensure that we turn to each other on such occasions, with a willingness to repair and rebuild safety within our intimate relationship. Photo by Bruno Aguirre - www.unsplash.com