Hajja Salesjana - Oct-Dec 2021

25 H AJJA S ALESJANA looking sad. If you are doing the dishes, you might decide to ignore me and keep doing the dishes, hoping I will not elaborate, or you might stop the dishes to show concern about my sadness. Imagine another scenario, when you surprise me with an elaborate home-cooked meal, and I complain because I had planned to cook something else that day. Nearly every interaction, therefore, is a bid: an opportunity for a response, from one’s partner. We all have a choice with regards to how we respond to bids. A missed response is not going to destroy a relationship, but missing numerous bids over a period of time will inevitably have an adverse impact on the intimate bond. According to Gottmann, the most damaging response to bids has to do with contempt - when we look down on our partner’s needs, feelings, or opinions; thus we would be dismissive or contemptuous of our partner’s bids. In such cases, it is natural to assume that the partner making the bid will feel unsafe and insecure, undervalued and unimportant for the other person. When bids go unanswered for a long time, the relationship becomes fertile ground for a build-up of resentment. It becomes harder to do things for each other freely. We might become passive aggressive, deluding ourselves into thinking that we are minimising conflict by not speaking up. The partner would inevitably pick up on the aggression, no matter how passive it is, leading to a deeper rift within the relationship bond. Another serious consequence of missing bids is a dynamic of competition, whereby couples find themselves in a battle of who is doing more for whom - the relationship thus becomes a struggle, in an attempt to gain appreciation and value. Competition can also manifest through a dynamic of blame; it, therefore, becomes important to be right and for the partner to be wrong. We become invested in a black or white mentality, rather than negotiating an outcome together. We might keep tabs on each other, ready to throw them in our partner’s face when we are blamed, and vice versa. Attacking and defending becomes the norm, rather than discussing and negotiating. Some tips A rupture in trust is repairable, as long as both partners are willing and able to step out of their state of mind in order to truly attempt to understand the other person’s feelings and point of view. The following tips might be useful: - Identify your feelings and put them into words. What happens to you when your partner keeps leaving the cupboard door open, despite numerous requests to get them to close it? What are your feelings when your partner keeps coming late from Photo by Roberto Nickson - www.unsplash.com