Hajja Salesjana April-June 2021

25 H AJJA S ALESJANA parents. Add this to demands made on us from work, and we are left with very little time to spend with each other. Indeed, spending time together, ‘just the two of us’ might feel like a waste of time. I would not like to detract from potential deeper issues that might be impacting on the couple. However, lacking time together will make it extremely hard for the couple to address and manage feelings and difficulties. Our need to feel loved and validated will be frustrated. Over time, resentments accumulate and issues are never fully resolved. Spending time together does not mean that we are simply in the same room, watching television or working on a laptop. It also does not mean that we try to fit our partner into our schedule after we have made time for everything else. The term ‘quality time’ is often brandished about, but it is surprisingly often neglected. What does this kind of meaningful time together look like, and how might we find time in our busy schedules to share with one another? First, it is important to acknowledge that one spouse’s need for quality time might be different from the other’s. We would normally have a clear idea of what kind of time we need, whether it is having a quiet meal together at home whilst the kids are at their grandparents’, going out for a walk, or visiting an exhibition. Whilst one person might want to have daily check-ins, the other person might feel that spending the occasional weekend away without the kids is preferable. Being open and honest about our needs is crucial, as is our willingness to be open to the other person’s needs. The kind of quality time changes with time, depending on different tasks within the family, work, and other demands. Whilst it might be very straightforward to go on a date night when we do not have kids yet, it might take active effort and careful planning to arrange for a couple of hours’ time together when there is one or more children, an ill parent, and work deadlines. Another possibility might be to develop a common interest. Whilst we do not necessarily have to talk about feelings all the time, quality time needs to be communicative. Whether we speak about the neighbours or politics, the time we spend together needs to help us bond and feel loved and understood by the other. It is the time when we are giving each other undivided attention. Needless to say, when emotions need to be addressed, it is far better to talk them over when we are alone together, than over text or email. It is important that we refrain from acting out and responding in anger whenever possible. It might be useful to try and identify your spouse’s feelings behind their words. Above all, providing each other with emotional support is key. Maintaining eye contact when our spouse is speaking indicates respect and openness to making a connection. It is also useful to refrain from interrupting each other when we are together. Finally, openness to compromise is key, and a clear unwillingness to do so from one or both partners could lead us to wonder about potential deeper issues in the relationship.