Hajja Salesjana January-March 2021

25 H AJJA S ALESJANA relationships by enabling communication and reducing resentment. In most cases, having healthy boundaries is as simple (though not necessarily easy) as knowing and understanding what our limits are. There are a number of ways through which we can learn our limits. The first indicators are feelings. We might start by considering what we can tolerate or what makes us feel uncomfortable or stressed. Resentment, which is often a response to feeling taken advantage of or not appreciated, is a huge red flag that our boundaries are being crossed. It is a sign we are pushing ourselves beyond our own limits, because we would feel guilty otherwise. It is possible that someone else is imposing their expectations, views, or values on us, but it is equally possible that the issue is more around us being unable to set boundaries. Indeed, we sometimes need to be explicit in establishing and maintaining our boundaries, especially with people who may not understand them. It is not our job to explain why we need a particular boundary, but we do need to make our boundaries known. This also involves being quite direct and saying “No”, when needed. Obviously, this comprises giving ourselves permission to set boundaries. We may fear another person’s response, we may feel guilty, and we might doubt our decision. At times, this is due to our having been socialised to feel that we are only acceptable when we meet people’s expectations. This is exacerbated in relationships where the other person expects us to always say “Yes”. Setting boundaries requires a healthy dose of self-awareness and a radical amount of self-love. Creating boundaries is a form of self-respect and essential to healthy relationships, so it is worth giving ourselves permission to do some introspection and prioritising ourselves. An important consideration is our early family experiences. That is where we learn what boundaries look like. For instance, we might learn to over-extend ourselves enormously in a relationship, because that was how our parents’ relationship worked. We might learn that our needs are not important because we were disappointed as kids. We might thus learn that we have to sacrifice our own wants and needs for those of another person, leaving us feeling resentful and unloved. Building healthy boundaries and identifying our limits, therefore, might involve un-learning dynamics we witnessed or were taught when we were little. Finally, self-care is crucially important. We cannot set appropriate boundaries unless we learn to recognise and honour our needs. It is only when our own needs are taken care of, that we have the energy, peace of mind, and capacity to be more present with others. photo by Daniel Roe from www.unsplash.com