Hajja Salesjana October-November 2020

25 H AJJA S ALESJANA opening ourselves up to being hurt. Rather than explicitly asking the other partner to connect, the person would instead ask a question or make a comment about what their partner is doing. It stands to reason that the way that partner responds to such bids affects emotional security within the relationship. We can respond to a bid in three ways. According to Gottman, we can (1) turn towards (acknowledging the bid), (2) turn away (ignoring or dismissing the bid), or (3) turn against (rejecting the bid in an argumentative or aggressive way). For instance, imagine a situation when your partner is on your laptop and makes an audible sigh. That is a bid for connection. As their partner, you then have the choice to turn towards them, for example, by asking them what was wrong. You can also ignore the sigh and remain on your phone, thus turning away from your partner. You could also start berating your partner for taking on too much work, for bringing their work home, for complaining all the time – you would thus be turning against your partner. The impact of each of these attitudes is fairly obvious. Making and appropriately responding to bids is at the core of a safe and trusting marriage. Unsurprisingly, research found that successful relationship partners (the masters) turned towards each other 86% of the time, whilst unsuccessful ones (the disasters) only turned towards each other 33% of the time. Making bids shows your partner that you want to connect and that you care. These small, frequent gestures are far more effective than occasional grand gestures . On the other hand, when our bids are ignored, we are more likely to become frustrated and resentful with our partner. We might withdraw. We are also more likely to be critical, since we feel unacknowledged, rejected, or taken for granted. The other person is likely to feel defensive, leading to arguments and a gradual alienation from each other. Our challenge, therefore, is to make many small bids, every day. As a partner, pay attention and respond to the other person’s bids for connection. Put your phone down and make eye contact when they point something out or recount a story. Look out for their sighs and winks. Respond to their smile or squeeze on the arm. Share accomplishments and validate your partner’s achievements. Thus, we can feel safe enough to be vulnerable with each other, connect and take care of each other. photo by Renate Vanaga from www.unsplash.com