Hajja Salesjana October-November 2020

H AJJA S ALESJANA by Marlene Cauchi D.CounsPsy 24 John Gottman is arguably the most influential relationship clinician in the world, at the moment. His research is engaging, down- to-earth, and firmly grounded in couples’ experiences of being together. One of his most prominent studies is outlined in the book The Relationship Cure. In it, Gottman and Levenson explored the question, “What separates the relationship masters from the relationship disasters?”:Researchers studied couples who remained happily married, as well as the ones who had separated or remained together but were unhappy, over a period of time. The content of these couples’ conversations was analysed, in an attempt to find out how happy and unhappy couples related differently, and thus potentially anticipate who would remain together, and who would break up. We have probably all gone through a time when our relationship seemed to be faltering. According to Gottman, the success of relationships does not depend on great intimacy in conversations, or about grand shows of love. Rather, it all hinges on the way we pay attention to each other . Couples make and accept bids to connect with each other. This is more likely to happen with successful couples. Indeed, Gottman argues that we do not break up because of massive disputes or arguments, but as a result of a gradual growing resentment in the face of the spouses’ failure to respond to their partner’s bids for connection. So what are bids? Essentially, they are a person’s request to connect with their partner. Bids can take the form of a question, a comment, a request, a joke, or a gesture. They can be funny, serious, or sexual in nature. Bids can range from, “Can you pass the water?” to an affectionate wink. A person might make a bid for connection by asking their partner about work, or they might tease them about their new hairstyle. Often, bids can be rather subtle – whenever we make a bid for connection, we are putting ourselves in a vulnerable position, thus Relationship Masters or Disasters? Photo by Amanda Sixsmith from www.unsplash.com