Hajja Salesjana July-September 2020

25 H AJJA S ALESJANA yet?” and “Can you pick up some bread on your way back from work?” Interestingly, research suggests that most couples’ private conversations are limited, on average, to just 35minutes aweek. However, it is not just about the number of conversations we have. Healthy communication is characterised by safety: if we are communicating well, it is likely that we are able to open up to our partner without fearing being put down or demeaned. We know that we can trust our partner to listen and care, rather than judge and condemn. Intimate trust and connection need to be reaffirmed every day. We need to know and appreciate each other’s internal worlds, feelings, hopes and fears. We need to foster conversations that encourage sharing and reflection, in the knowledge that we will be emotionally held and supported. We need to respect each other’s needs, interests and values, and appreciate that these can evolve over time. We also need to adopt an attitude whereby we appreciate each other’s positive qualities. Unfortunately, neglecting this depth of connection is a catalyst for relationship breakdown. “But where do we find the time?” one might ask. Yet, our relationship is an investment. It would be a pity to invest in something, only to neglect it and leave it to rot. Imagine the time and care we invest in our children’s education, our house and in whichever interest we adopt, be it plants, football, or motorcycles. Our relationship can never stop being a priority, and we are never old enough to have dates. Spending time together is non-negotiable, particularly if we can arrange with someone to look after our kids for an hour or two. We need to set time aside and plan it. We can never stop being curious about our partner. Gottmann (2011) suggests building a culture of fondness and admiration. Sometimes, this is lost in the context of busyness, conflict or simple absent-mindedness. However, once we have built this culture, it will help protect us from blame, contempt and stagnation, and conflict can be transformed into an opportunity for growth. Obviously, this culture of fondness and admiration cannot be constructed overnight. Indeed, we can foster it gradually, through regular appreciation of each other, and responding to each other’s cues for connection. This does not mean that couples will not feel frustrated, at times, by their partner’s flaws. At the same time, this does not deter from respect we have towards our partner. In fact, it is worth remembering that the other person is greater than their flaws. Conflict can be seen as something to be resolved together. It helps to focus on the relationship itself, and how it is being impacted by the conflict. This increases the sense of togetherness, as opposed to concentrating on what either partner is giving or receiving. Finally, it is worth paying attention to offering daily gestures of appreciation, praise, kindness, and solidarity, where the other person is reminded that they are loved and supported. These can be as simple as a hug or thanking each other for the support offered. Remember your story as a couple, the good and tough times, and how you pushed through and succeeded as a couple. The more fondness and admiration we can share as a couple, the deeper the emotional attraction. Photo by Nathan Dumlao from www.unsplash.com