Hajja Salesjana July-September 2020

H AJJA S ALESJANA by Marlene Cauchi D.CounsPsy 24 Several couples I meet in my practice, present themselves because they feel that one or both partners’ attraction levels have greatly reduced. Some describe this as having ‘cooled down’ towards their spouse. Undoubtedly, such feelings are deeply hurtful to the partner, but also painful for the person to experience them. Peoplemight be consumed by guilt for desiring that their partner was somebody else, or for being attracted to other persons. People might blame themselves for their spouse’s sense of rejection and the suffering that brings with it. One of the most common questions asked by the couple would be, “How did this happen? We were hopelessly in love with each other. How could we have gotten to the point of hardly bearing to speak with each other? How could our attraction, towards each other have faded so significantly?” It is widely acknowledged that physical attraction alone is not enough to help maintain a long-term relationship. Aside from our partner’s body, we also need to be attracted to their heart, mind and dreams. We need to appreciate their story and value what is meaningful to them. We need to be able to stay with their feelings, hurt and disappointments, without judgement. Therefore, whilst physical attraction is undoubtedly important, this will be far stronger if it is accompanied by a deeper emotional attraction. Emotional attraction is often nourished through a particular mode of communication. Do you remember the kinds of conversations you used to have when you first fell in love with your spouse? When you could talk for hours, laugh at each other’s jokes and admire each other’s qualities? When you were interested in each other’s concerns and were willing to bend over backwards to see your partner’s face light up in surprise and delight? You would share childhood stories, pour over grainy photographs and listen to each other’s hopes and ambitions. You might even have discussed dreams for your relationship. Yet, over time, once we have kids and settle into a routine, questions like, “What is your biggest fear?” and “How do you imagine us to be in five years time?” come to be replaced with, “Have you taken out the rubbish Photo by Matheus Ferrero from www.unsplash.com Maintaining emotional attraction over the years Top photo by Joe Yates from www.unsplash.com