Hajja Salesjana April-June 2020

25 H AJJA S ALESJANA It is worth remembering that the fear of something is often worse than the thing or situation we are anxious about. Unless we have experienced trauma, once we decide to embark on something, our inner resources will often kick in and help us to face challenges, aswe have done several times in the past. It is worth breaking up a task in several chunks, whenever possible, in order to prevent us being overwhelmed and help us face each step more securely, leading to a greater sense of agency and confidence. With regards to conflict situations, whether real or imagined, it is imperative that we identify what it is that is bothering us. Often, when we are anxious, we tend to allow thoughts to spiral out of control, leading to us feeling helpless and overwhelmed. We also need to identify the assumptions we are making about the other, as opposed to the actual, real situation. When in doubt, it is best if we check out our thoughts, speaking with kindness, allowing space, and being open to the other person’s point of view. When we are absorbed in worries and fears, we might neglect to see our partner’s own vulnerability. This obviously puts a strain on the relationship, as we cease to be compassionate with, and understanding, of our spouse. It is normal for our spouse to feel hurt and resentful in such cases. Also, since anxiety leads us to focus on our fears rather than needs, our partner would find it difficult to know what it is that we need from them, potentially causing us feeling neglected and uncared about in turn. To counter this, it is imperative that we distinguish our worries from our needs. We might want to ask for our partner’s help with this. It is worth asking for the kind of support and help we need. We need to take some time to foster compassion for oneself and one’s partner. It is also worth apologising if we have been self- absorbed. Anxiety also prevents us from hearing the other person. How often has somebody spoken to us about something that was troubling them, and we insisted on them taking the course of action that we wanted them to take? In such cases, we would be signalling to them that we could not bear to stay with their feelings, and instead do our utmost to move them away from it. The other person ends up feeling unsupported and misunderstood. Indeed, we need to come to terms with the fact that we might not know everything, and we might not always anticipate everything. We might never know why something happened the way it did. Yet, it is essential that we learn to stay with what feels uncomfortable, perhaps in a gradual way, starting from what feels least unbearable, and moving up to more challenging feelings. Finally, anxiety kills joy in the relationship. It prevents us from enjoying the present moment, our partner’s qualities, and the things they do for us. It is very hard to experience joy without security and freedom. When we worry that something bad is going to happen, we focus on the fear in order to protect ourselves, thus missing out on the enjoyment of emotional and physical intimacy. It is worth trying to not take ourselves so seriously, and allow ourselves to be comforted and accompanied by our spouse. Photo: Joshua Earle on www.unsplash.com Photo: Remi Yuan on www.unsplash.com