Hajja Salesjana April-June 2020

H AJJA S ALESJANA by Marlene Cauchi D.CounsPsy The Impact of Anxiety in Romantic Relationships 24 Since I moved back to Malta, I have been impressed by the level of anxiety presented by many people in my practice. There is ample literature about the effect of anxiety on people’s lives. Anxiety wrecks havoc with physical and emotional health. It causes periods of fear and panic, unease, tension and feeling overwhelmed. Anxiety threatens to take over in one’s thoughts, and affects one’s ability to face endeavours. It is also worth noting the enormous impact that anxiety has on relationships, particularly romantic relationships. Essentially, anxiety tends to weaken the sense of safety within the connection. Safety and trust develop when both parties are able to be attentive to each other’s needs, and respond in a consistent, sensitive, and reliable manner. When we are engrossed in our own anxieties and worries, we have very littlemental space to notice and answer reliably and appropriately to the other’s attempts at connection. We might sometimes be so engrossed what might happen in the future, what people are thinking about us, or the fear of being criticised for mistakes, that we overlook or dismiss our partner’s values, difficulties, and goals. Validating each other’s thoughts, needs, and feelings fosters the development of safety, leading the couple to feel secure in the knowledge that they can trust the other to be attuned to them when needed. This is linked with the development of trust, which facilitates communication and a bond of mutual affection. When we are worrying about something, it is worth discussing our fears with our partner. They can assist us in calming down, focus on the present and on that which we actually know, as opposed to our assumptions. This might help us with the ability to get out of our self-absorption, in order to become more attentive to the other’s feelings and needs. Often, anxiety leads us to postpone that which we are anxious about. This might be the case, for example, if we need to discuss a difficult issue with our partner. We might hold off indefinitely, waiting for the most appropriate time to do it, ending up with several unresolved issues within the relationship. We might also postpone making decisions. Alternatively, we might sometimes also be impulsive – this prevents us from actually facing the anxiety-provoking situation, and often results in us picking up the pieces of unthought-about actions. Photo: Cody Black on www.unsplash.com