Hajja Salesjana October-December 2019

26 angry, but rather than confronting the person directly, we might do things that we know would irritate the other person, such as leaving the light on unnecessarily, or forgetting special events. We might also make certain comments, but then insist that the other person is misunderstanding when they question us. It is interesting to note that passive aggression often results in the receiver feeling angry and annoyed. Essentially, the passive aggressive person would have passed on their feelings onto the other person, despite not having expressed them directly. The partner, in turn, feels angry and annoyed, leading to feelings of blame, victimisation, and/or guilt on either or both partners. It is easy to see how this dynamic might erode a relationship. In fact, should it not be acknowledged and addressed, it severely threatens feelings of safety and security within relationships, resulting in withdrawal or withholding of one’s feelings in the relationships. Over time, resentment solidifies and a massive crack occurs in the relationship. Unfortunately, these cracks would sometimes have grown too deep before a couple seeks help, making it extremely difficult to repair. How do we communicate effectively, without being passive aggressive? The crucial step toward eliminating passive aggression is to become aware of it and understand its source. Is my passive aggression limited to one relationship, or is it a habitual way of coping? Where have I learnt to be passive aggressive? How does passive aggression serve me? Does it work? Why do I find it so hard to set boundaries? What are my fears around expressing my feelings, especially anger? Where do these fears come from? Are they realistic, given my present situation? Do I realise that I am being passive aggressive? Another important step in communicating effectively is to own our feelings, including our sensitivity to particular situations, rather than shifting responsibility onto someone else. It is worth practising listening to other people’s perspective, even when they are critical of our behaviour. We could also start practising saying ‘No’ in certain circumstances, perhaps starting from scenarios when it might be relatively easy. A strategy that might sound straightforward, but is not, is to actively speak with our spouse or partner about the relationship itself. Such direct conversation allows the couple, whether in a romantic or work connection, to take a bird’s eye view of the relationship, helping them become more insightful and identify key points about the relationship that might need some working upon. It is imperative that both parties agree to listen to each other without interruption, blame, or hostility. The classic formula to be assertive, rather than passive aggressive, is to own the feeling and express it. This would help avoid assumptions and/or accusations about the other person’s intentions, and establish honest dialogue in an atmosphere of trust, rather than expecting the other person to decipher subtle and indirect modes of communication. Lastly, it is worth bearing in mind that the other person in the relationship is a partner, not an enemy. Resolving conflict is a matter of negotiation and compromise, rather than competition. Thus, the dynamic we engage in is not necessarily a win-lose situation, but a collaboration.