Hajja Salesjana October-December 2019

25 H AJJA S ALESJANA admitting to them. Again, some persons might never have learnt that they could express difficult feelings appropriately, and that some relationships could survive, and even thrive, following resolution of arguments and confrontation. What does passive aggression look like? I am sure we could all come up with our own list of passive aggressive behaviours. A common form of passive aggression is sarcasm, such as making a backhanded compliment that is actually a criticism. For instance, we might say to our child who broke a vase whilst dusting: “Thank God I have you to help me with the cleaning!” Or, to our spouse who forgot to take out the bins before work, “Thanks for taking out the rubbish this morning!” Alternatively, we might be condescending with the other person, thus convening our anger in a subtle, indirect way. Another, much loathed form of passive aggression, is the silent treatment. We might thus punish a child or a spouse for a perceived slight by not speaking to them. The other person would not know when you are going to resume speaking with them. Whilst an adult might be able to take our sullenness or distance, this can wreck havoc with a child’s feelings of security and safety, as they rely completely upon their parents’ benevolence. A common form of passive aggression is to speak with someone else about the person who we feel angry with; thus, we would not be tackling the anger directly, but rather damaging the person’s reputation with others. We might also insist that a conflict has been resolved, but, in reality, keep harbouring bitterness and feel victimised for a long time after the event. In some cases, things we are angry about are only brought up many years later, often using them to our advantage when the other person cannot adequately defend themselves. It is also common for us to not say what we really feel in a situation, insisting that we are ‘fine’, but in reality we would be seething in anger or sinking in disappointment. We might then feel upset with the other person for not noticing our hurt feelings. Another common behaviour is to say ‘Yes’ when we really feel like saying ‘No’ – we might compensate for this by complaining about how busy we are. We would vehemently deny it, however, if the other person asked us whether the task they asked of us was a burden. Sometimes, we might be Photo by Eric Ward on www.unsplash.com