Hajja Salesjana October-December 2019

H AJJA S ALESJANA by Marlene Cauchi D.CounsPsy Passive aggressive... surely, not me?! 24 Passive aggression has a negative reputation, and for good reason. It is associated with discomfort and poor communication in relationships. People who are passive aggressive might not be able to adequately verbalise feelings like anger or disappointment; instead, they might make underhand comments that seem perfectly acceptable on the surface, but which are thinly-disguised veneers for criticism or punishment. I am certain that we have all experienced some degree of passive aggression, be it in our families, at work, or with friends. It is not surprising to learn that passive aggression has the potential to severely erode feelings of safety within relationships. Indeed, it is one of the most common dysfunctional patterns I encounter in my work. What makes someone passive aggressive? One might become passive aggressive for a number of reasons. At the core, however, is a difficulty expressing uncomfortable emotions, leading the person to vocalise them in a subtle manner without directly addressing the source of the problem. Passive aggression is a common coping strategy for someone fearing conflict. It is possible that we might even experience this ourselves. But why would we be afraid of conflict? We might fear conflict because we expect anger to get out of hand, thus severely damaging relationships. We might not have experienced, in our families of origin, a pattern whereby conflict can occur and the relationship is subsequently healed. We might fear losing the other person if we express anger, jealousy, or disappointment. It might be that we might become so overwhelmed with emotion whilst confronting someone, that we do not feel able to articulate our arguments well, leading to misinterpretation and frustration. It is possible that we might consider conflict to be a power struggle, leading us to potentially emerge as a ‘loser’. We might also be in a relationship with a person who is unable to hear feedback or criticism, so we resort to expressing our feelings in more subtle ways. This becomes particularly pronounced with a spouse, and/or with an authority figure. Whilst we might loathe someone who is passive aggressive, it is worth remembering that the person engaging in such behaviour might not be doing so deliberately. For instance, people who grew up with passive aggressive parents may think that this kind of communication is normal and effective – this would be the kind of modelling they received as kids. Others might feel ashamed of their emotions, particularly in the case of anger, resentment, or envy. Therefore, being passive aggressive might provide them with the opportunity to convey such feelings without