Hajja Salesjana July-September 2019

H AJJA S ALESJANA by Marlene Cauchi D.CounsPsy Listen to your anger! 20 When do you feel most angry? For a lot of us Maltese, for instance, traffic-clogged roads often make for a fair amount of road rage. However, that is only one of the reasons we feel angry. None of us is immune to anger; it is a core part of our human experience. Society, however, often tells us that is it not acceptable to feel anger, or even rage. Perhaps we fear the repercussions should we allow ourselves to be angry. This can lead to serious consequences. Indeed, anger is often an excellent protective mechanism, and can serve us in a number of ways. Additionally, identifying what our anger means to us is essential if we are to express it appropriately. An important advantage of anger has to do with the fact that it often serves as an indication that our boundaries are being violated, or that we are being taken advantage of. Imagine a scenario, for instance, when someone keeps badgering you for things, with no consideration for your needs. Eventually, you will start feeling irritated or annoyed. This is a sure sign that you need to set boundaries in order to take care of yourself. Thus, anger might signal to us that we are under threat, and therefore need to remove ourselves from an unhealthy scenario. Another common situation is for anger to be covering up feelings that might otherwise be too difficult to be in touch with. Imagine a man getting angry with his girlfriend whenever she has a work gathering in the evening. Underlying such emotion, it is possible that the guy might feel scared that she might meet someone else. It is possible that he feels vulnerable and insecure around his ability to attract his girlfriend, and is therefore extremely sensitive to any hints that he might not be her first priority. It is often easier to feel angry and aggrieved than to acknowledge one’s own fear and vulnerability. In this case, therefore, anger points us to an underlying feeling that is being denied and needs to be validated. It is worth noting that, unless this is acknowledged, communication between the couple will falter, as the real issue goes unaddressed. Additionally,angercanoftensignalthatthere are deeper, and perhaps unconscious, issues within us, particularly when anger appears to be disproportionate to the actual situation. For