Hajja Salesjana Apr-June 2019

21 H AJJA S ALESJANA become invested in thinking of ourselves as good persons because we have eliminated core aspects of ourselves. The difference Embracing the dark side of us does not necessarily mean that we would act it out. For example, recognising my fragility does not give me permission to give up when a situation gets difficult. Similarly, knowing that I am angry does not mean that I would lash out at the person I am angry with. This distinction is important. All too often, we encounter people who are scared of acknowledging what they call negative feelings, out of fear that these feelings would take over and they would lose control. They might forget that they have the resources, as adults, to think and make choices as to how they are going to express their anger, or rage, or envy. They fear that such feelings would lead to them relinquishing control over their actions. However, as adults, we always have some semblance of control over our behaviour – it is our responsibility to become aware of our ways of thinking, and the choices we have in any given moment. What others think One of our anxieties might be around what people could think of us, should we exhibit characteristics that are not normally socially acceptable. We might go to great lengths to ensure that the image we project of ourselves conforms to what people expect of us. Sometimes, we might be so intent on pleasing others, that we actually lose touch with the deepest core of our being. We might lose spontaneity in an attempt to ensure that no unwanted parts of ourselves make it to the surface, lest they be recognised by other people. And yet, experience shows us that there is something incredibly endearing about somebody who acknowledges an inner struggle with ‘unacceptable’ feelings such as pride and envy, and yet still chooses to act according to their deeper values, be they love, kindness, or responsibility. We might call this ‘integrity’. It is indeed a pity that a lot of us feel that our relationships cannot survive anger or disappointment with each other. And yet, the strongest (and healthiest) relationships are those where we can express our feelings, including anger with each other, and process them appropriately. Even when we make mistakes, relationships can be repaired, as long as we are both willing and able to acknowledge the dark side of us, and be open to forgiveness – both for the other and ourselves. Only by embracing the good, the bad, and the ugly can we truly claim to be fully human! Photo by Nadi Whatisdelirium on unsplash.com