Hajja Salesjana Jan-Mar 2019

21 H AJJA S ALESJANA we think they are wrong, or what we think they should be doing. It is worth remembering, however, that resolving conflict is not a matter of winning versus losing. The couple is made up of two separate and different persons, and one is not an extension of the other. Respecting the other person involves respecting the way they think and what has led to their state of mind. Some couples find it useful to take some time-out and discuss the thorny matter when they are both feeling calmer. This is not to be confused with giving each other the silent treatment – taking time-out needs to have been spoken about and agreed upon prior to conflict, so that it is not interpreted as a dismissal of the partner’s feelings. The couple might also agree on how long the time-out will last, and also explain its purpose to any kids in the family, so as to minimise feelings of anxiety and confusion. In the end, what matters is that the couple have the kind of relationship that can survive conflict and diverse ways of seeing things. This cannot include vengeance and acting out – both partners need to be interested in building the relationship rather than individual egos. Both partners will have weaknesses, and both will need to fill in for the other person’s fragility sometimes. Engaging in the blame game is dangerous and ultimately results in resentment. Whilst negative feelings are bound to arise sometimes, these need to be shared in a thoughtful and considerate manner. In times of stress, we need to ensure that we do not take out our concerns on each other. Indeed, it is at times like these that we need to remember that our spouse is on our side, even when they cannot fully comprehend our predicament. Additionally, it is worth practising gratitude and acknowledgement of our partner’s strengths. One of the best ways to build the relationship is to dedicate time and space for us to think about each other’s needs and discuss ways of meeting them. An important point to bear in mind is that each of the spouses might have different ways of conceptualising kindness. Is it taking out the right bin without being reminded? Is it a kiss at the door before leaving for work? Is it having a special date night once a month? It might even involve other people. For example, the couple might agree to go out separately with their own friends occasionally, without complaining or feeling left out. Once we have a list, we need to make a commitment to practise it on a daily basis. This might sound simple, but it really is not easy to maintain the momentum. We need to ensure that we notice the times when we falter, and renew our commitment to be kind to each other. We do not need a reason to be kind. Sometimes, we might want to do something nice for our partner, just for the sake of it! We might pick up a funny greeting card, buy some flowers, give a back rub, or cook their favourite dish. It does not have to be a massive display, and it will mean a lot to the other person. To conclude, I believe that St Paul got it right when he paired kindness with patience in his ode to love in 1 Corinthians 13, 4 -7. This has to do with the ability to deal with experiences that do not work out in our favour, thus eliciting strong feelings. We all have to learn to bear frustration; this is a hallmark of maturity. However, the truth is some of us are better at this than others. When we act impatiently towards our partner, we might hurt them and give them the message that we do not value them. The less patient spouse is at risk of looking down on the other partner, weakening the sense of safety. Patience is necessary to bring out the best in each other and see beyond their faults. It is worth noticing the thoughts that stop us being patient with our partner, be they labelling or ‘shoulds’. In fact, it is useful to respond with logic rather than emotion in stressful moments. Might I suggest that our new year’s resolutions include a commitment to be kind to each other?