Hajja Salesjana Jan-Mar 2019

H AJJA S ALESJANA by Marlene Cauchi D.CounsPsy Love is Kind “Never, in 20 years, have I ever heard an unkind word from him!” This is what a friend told me recently, upon mentioning her husband. I was astounded. I hear so many stories of relationships in difficulties, that I forget sometimes that there are such awe-inspiring accounts as well. Indeed, her words reminded me of a study by John Gottman, a leading relationship psychologist identifying kindness as one of the main contributors to relationship success. But what exactly do we mean by kindness? I like to think of a relationship as a house. Once we build a house, it is natural to want to take care of it, make sure that we fix anything that is broken, and maintain the property as well as we can. We sometimes forget, however, that our relationships deserve a similar treatment. When we speak, we need to ensure that we build up the other person, rather than break them down. Is this not what we would do with our home? Are our relationships not far more important than a material house? According to Gottman’s study, we often make requests for connection in relationships. This might include something as simple as telling our spouse about a book we read, a person we met, or something that happened at work. When our spouse appeals for our attention, we have a choice – we could either respond appropriately or turn away from them. According to the study, turning away is a significant element in most breakups. It is worth reflecting about the extent to which we are kind in our relationships. Perhaps we might ask ourselves how we respond when our spouse turns to us for support. We might also think about our reaction when our spouse does not do what we believe they should be doing, at work, for example. What do we do when we realise that we do not have any control over our partner? How do we respond when our spouse is successful? What is our reaction when our spouse is vulnerable? The opposite of kindness might perhaps be termed ‘contempt’. This might translate as looking down on our spouse, criticising them, and making them feel worthless. We might, for instance, overlook the thoughtful things they do for us, leaving them feeling invisible, frustrated and dejected. It is worth remembering that kindness often breeds kindness. When we receive or witness an act of kindness, we are more likely to practice kindness. One might ask what it means, concretely, to be kind. Above all, being kind means that we pay attention to the other person, to notice their feelings, concerns and their bids for connection. It means that we refrain from being critical and bringing up matters that happened a long time ago. It is imperative, albeit more difficult, to remain kind in conflict. It might be useful to try and take a step back in order to understand our spouse’s point of view, rather than jump into judgements and accusations. Reaching out is not easy sometimes, especially when we are feeling hurt and angry. We might also be tempted to lecture our partner about how 20