Hajja Salesjana July September 2018

2 1 jump in with advice when they are telling you something about them or their friends. Try to validate their point of view, rather than ensuring that you point out the faults in their reasoning. It might be tempting to interrogate your teenager, especially when they mention a new friend, or a person they are attracted to. Bear in mind that interruptions and distractions tend to give the message to your child that you are not really interested in what they have to say. Ask and be genuinely interested, rather than making assumptions. Also, it is worth remembering that conflict is inevitable when you are living together. The occasional clash is normal and expected. However, living in constant conflict is detrimental to the two of you and the relationships within the family. Nagging and harsh criticism are likely to exacerbate an already difficult situation. All these could hamper your ability to empathise with your child, leaving them feeling that you are not able and/or willing to understand them. Importantly, avoid sarcasm, eye-rolling, and exaggerated sighing. Try to steer clear from comparisons with other teeangers and/or siblings, as your child might be left feeling that they are not, and will never be, good enough. More crucially, they might interpret you as setting conditions for your love, in that, you would only love them as long as they meet your demands. Obviously, this would be an unintentional consequence. It might, however, jeopardise the possibility for you to be listened to, and for your child to feel understood, resulting in them not looking to you for help or guidance. Tips for effective communication The most important thing is to keep the lines of communication open. In fact, try to listen more than you speak. This applies to all kinds of communication. When someone feels listened to, they are more likely to share with you. Teenagers may tell us more if we are silent enough to allow them the possibility to speak. Additionally, it is worth prioritising time spent together. Sitting together at the table with your phones, does not count. Teenagers are often busy with school, friends, and after- school activities, but you could try and carve out some time to have dinner together, for example. Teenagers are trying to establish autonomy and i ndependence , so try to respect their privacy, as much as possible. For instance, knock before you enter their room, and do not read their diary unless you have very serious concerns that warrant such breach of privacy. Keep up with their interests. For example, rather than criticising the television shows they watch, try to sit with them once in a while to watch something with them. You might want to turn up at an activity they are helping to organise at the youth centre. In fact, take an active interest in their life. When possible, respect their sense of autonomy by involving them in family decision-making. Whilst it might seem obvious to you that you love your child, it might not always be so evident to your child. It would be useful to demonstrate your love to them through whatever form of physical contact they are comfortable with. Validate their efforts and achievements, and forgive their mistakes once