Hajja Salesjana April June 2018

2 1 that her sister is considered the mother’s golden child, and Dorothy bitterly devalues her own achievements and competences. She brings this into her relationship with Tony, who unwittingly puts salt into the wound when he tells her that she should focus on her achievements and not pay so much attention to her sister’s. Dorothy feels misunderstood and very much alone. Tony tries to make things right by explaining that he hadn’t meant to dismiss her feelings, but realises that it is a lost cause. If you can identify with Dorothy, try to identify the feelings you are experiencing. Often, it is more than one feeling. The next step is to try and uncover the reasons for you feeling this way. It could be related to messages you received as a child, or it could be linked to repetitive messages you tell yourself that keep you stuck. Perhaps you feel there is a constant void in your life, the result of unmet needs and missed opportunities. Or you might experience a persistent sense of not having met expectations. It is worth trying to detach the current situation from other episodes in your past – whilst your parents’ messages might have held great weight in your childhood, your life and achievements now tell you that you have resources to cope even when you feel you are not at your best. Similarly, the intentions of people in your life now might be different to the intentions of people who bullied you in the past. Even if they did have evil intentions, you are now at a place where you have greater options, be they considering a different job, or discussing how you feel with your spouse. It might be important to understand how you might be repeating certain patterns in your life that confirm your earlier childhood templates. For example, Dorothy might find herself getting into jobs that she is not keen about, thus perpetuating her feeling that she is not achieving much in her life. Some people might constantly unfavourably compare themselves to others. Similarly, if we have doubts about our loveability, we might find it hard to ask the other person for what we need, leading to a situation whereby our desires are not understood or met. Identifying your needs and making sure they are met could help break the cycle of resentment and upset around not meeting our needs. Self-criticism is another destructive pattern that is worth thinking about. Whilst this might be something that we learnt earlier on in our lives, we need to become aware of how we keep ourselves stuck through the way we put ourselves down. I often ask people to imagine how they might speak to their child if he/she was feeling upset. Try to adopt these comforting words to yourself, rather than beating yourself up. Changing your internal monologue will go a long way in helping you become kinder with yourself and, as a consequence, feeling less raw when things do not go as expected. Finally, try doing something positive that will help you feel better when you are upset. Practice coping skills such as going for a walk, calling a friend or participating in a hobby. Doing something enjoyable can take you out of the unhelpful self-talk that tries to persuade you how unlovable, failing or worthless you are. Once you feel better, it may be easier to look at the situation in another way. When you are calm, you may be able to see that your spouse did not set out to hurt your feelings on purpose or that you are not at fault for a misunderstanding with a friend. Indeed, taking a break from the problem can give you much- needed perspective.