Hajja Salesjana September October 2017

by Marlene Cauchi D.CounsPsy 20 How much time do you need to make for your spouse? When does it become too much? Is it realistic to expect to spend time together with so many demands that life throws at us? How do you find a balance? An added complication revolves around the fact that the individuals within the couple sometimes do not agree on the amount of time they need to spend with each other. In this column, we have often spoken about attachment styles – somebody with a preoccupied attachment style will feel they need far more time with their partner than someone who tends towards avoidance. Regardless of one’s style of attachment, our relationship can sometimes become neglected, as we try to juggle kids, work, relationships, and the pressure to earn enough money to pay off loans, holidays, and kids’ extracurricular activities. Indeed, whilst it is possible that being joined at the hip might generate difficulties in the relationship, spending very little or no time together might be equally detrimental. What are some of the signs that our relationship could be suffering from neglect? Do you find yourself being unaware of how your spouse is feeling at work? Do you find yourself unable to share concerns with your spouse, because he/she is simply not around? Do you go to bed at different times? Has intimacy become a rarity? Do you find yourself seeking other people for comfort? Do you or your partner feel resentful towards the other and spend most of the little time together arguing? It is easy to become so immersed in everyday demands that we take the other person for granted and almost forget how to be a couple. Having kids might render it easier for the couple to become alienated from each other, as priorities change and demands are made on the existing time. Each particular moment in the child’s life, whether they are newborn, or starting school and needing help with homework, makes specific demands on the parents. Add this to demands made on us from work, and we are left with very little time to spend with each other. Indeed, spending time together, ‘just the two of us’ might feel like a waste of time. I have come across a number of couples in my work complaining about the fact that their relationship has become stale and mundane. Upon further exploration, the issue sometimes seems to revolve around time. Making Time