Hajja Salesjana May June 2017

2 1 Alternatively, one of the parents might compensate by being overly effusive with the children, in an attempt to feel close to them in the absence of partner intimacy. In any case, children unwittingly end up embroiled in dynamics that leave them feeling worried and unsafe. What could we do then? It’s impossible not to have conflict! According to some studies, conflict that is managed well could even be beneficial for kids, as they learn to manage difficult feelings and navigate relationships in their own lives. Several tips are recommended when it comes to managing conflict. Some of the most heated arguments occur when we presume to know the intentions of our spouse. For example, someone might get really frustrated because her husband knows that watching television while she’s cleaning the house irritates her. She, therefore, interprets it as confirmation that he does not really care about how she feels. This might form the basis of an argument. He, on the other hand, might assume that her failure to make it back home in time for dinner time shows her lack of commitment to him; thus, his anger might have an underlying feeling of rejection. Try to listen to the meanings behind your anger, and where appropriate communicate the hurt behind it. We sometimes end up acting out our anger. This happens when we carry out unhelpful behaviours in order to express feelings that we are otherwise not capable of expressing. For instance, we might engage in accusations and make hurtful comments that we might not otherwise say, instead of acknowledging our feelings of fear, anxiety, vulnerability, and insecurity. As well as listening to your feelings, try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes to understand the meaning behind their words and actions. Sometimes, it’s worth taking some time out, and having a conversation at a later time, when both partners have calmed down and are willing to listen to each other. Arguments might also occur when we assume that our partner should know what our needs are. We expect that they would pick up on our hints that we want things to be done in a particular way, and feel offended when they don’t, rather than clearly stating our preferences. Hence, direct c o m m u n i c a t i o n gives way to misunderstandings and assumptions. Our needs are nothing to be ashamed of, and we all have them! Sometimes, though, it feels really hard to allow ourselves to be vulnerable with each other. It is worth having conversations when we speak about feelings, even painful ones, and create a space when we can emotionally support each other. Finally, we need to remember that marriage is not a competition. At times, we might presume that, if we are right, the other spouse must be in the wrong. Marriage thus becomes a power struggle – a competition about who is right or wrong, who is more justified in feeling angry, who is putting more effort in the relationship, and who is sacrificing more for the family. This, in turn, fills us with resentment