Hajja Salesjana May June 2017

by Marlene Cauchi D.CounsPsy 20 Have we ever argued with our spouse and then spent thenext coupleof days not acknowledging each other? Do we have a tendency to demean or call each other names when we’re arguing? Do we sometimes find ourselves complaining about our spouse in front of the child? How do we think children feel when we do that? How do we, ourselves, experience conflict? Do we feel secure in the knowledge that ruptures in the relationship can be healed? If the answer is yes, are we sure that the child shares our security? In the last issue of this magazine, we looked at attachment dynamics between the couple, as we looked at the potential ways that our own attachment style impacted on the ways we relate to our spouse. This is particularly the case with conflict and its resolution. A study found that conflict was one of the top three concerns that children of all ages experienced. This might be surprising, or we might dismiss it, thinking that it would only apply to families that were constantly at loggerheads with each other. However, the way we argue tends to have great impact on what children learn about the nature of relationships and how solid these are. It is imperative that we transmit the message to kids that relationships will naturally experience occasional ruptures, but that the couple bond is strong enough to withstand and heal such ruptures. This could be done through being mindful of the ways we express anger and the impact this could have on our spouse and kids. For example, giving each other the silent treatment is a common occurrence. However, this might have huge implications on the child, particularly if they have a more sensitive nature. They might not feel confident that you will ever make up. They might anxiously try and mediate between you, to end the conflict and get back to a safer place. Over time, such dynamics might pass on the message to them that relationships cannot really be secure. Further, parents are normally less likely to provide sensitive and attuned care when they are in the midst of a hostile situation. How do children experience parental conflict? The simple answer is that it depends very much on the nature of the conflict and how it is resolved. Let’s consider, for example, these questions: Conflict and Kids