Hajja Salesjana March April 2017

2 1 sensitively and consistently, the child develops a secure attachment style, characterised by the certainty that the parent is a safe haven, thus providing them with emotional comfort whilst the child can move off to explore. The child knows that the parent will be available for protection and assistance, if necessary. The caregiver is a secure base. This does not always take place, however. For a myriad of reasons, the parent’s care- giving may be emotionally unavailable, cold, and distant. The child, therefore, cannot rely on the parent to be available and responsive. The way the child copes as a result constitutes a particular insecure attachment style. For example, a child can develop in a way to avoid intimacy and rely on themselves to regulate their emotions, thus minimising the need for an attachment bond. They might come across as cold and aloof, which is often an unconscious protection against a rejecting or unresponsive care-giving. Alternatively, when a parent’s nurturing is inconsistent and unpredictable, thus vacillating between being nurturing, emotionally unavailable, and intrusive, the child will develop an anxious/disorganised attachment. For instance, a parent might be neglectful one day, and then compensate for it by being overindulgent the next day. This would result in the child feeling confused, and not knowing what to expect. Such attachment styles are often enduring, and affect significant choices in life, such as the kind of partner we choose and the way we relate to our kids. Often, we choose partners who tend to confirm our internal working models, meaning that, if I, for example, have an anxious, preoccupied attachment style, I might be attracted to someone who has more of an avoidant attachment. I might rely on him to validate me, becoming clingy and dependent on him to ensure his proximity. This might prove too intense for him, so he might withdraw. This leaves me feeling very insecure, so I make even more demands, potentially pushing him even further away in the process. Because of my inconsistent upbringing, I am very sensitive to rejection, but end up perpetuating the very same thing I fear most, that is, abandonment. Thus, I confirm my idea of myself as unlovable, and others as unavailable to me. Similarly, it is hard to relinquish our attachment patterns when we become parents. On one hand, the emotional atmosphere I establish with my spouse will have a direct impact on the extent to which the family environment is experienced as secure by my children. On the other hand, the nature of my attachment style will likely be transmitted to the child through my kind of parenting. Again, if I have an anxious, preoccupied attachment style, I will tend to have a negative view of myself, and as a result I may experience a sense of desperation and emotional hunger towards my child. This gets confused for genuine love for the child. I might become overprotective, invade their privacy, and be focused on their performance. I am more likely to take my kids’ rebellion personally, experiencing it as a rejection of me and a judgement of my self-worth. Needless