Hajja Salesjana March April 2017

by Marlene Cauchi D.CounsPsy 20 Whilst this is the case in a physical sense, a significant element of this is constituted by the kind of emotional climate we grow up in. We are impacted by the relationship (or lack of it) between, and with, our parents. In my work as a psychologist, I often see the impact that such an emotional atmosphere has had on the individual client. It is also easy to see the impact that the original family relationships had on one’s choice of partner and subsequent upbringing of kids. How does this happen? The theory of attachment was originally developed by British psychoanalyst John Bowlby, and further elaborated on by Mary Ainsworth, as they tried to understand the intense distress experienced by infants who had been separated from their mothers. They carried out several studies and came to the conclusion that babies, much like other mammalian infants, are dependent upon the care of adults to survive. Therefore, any separation from the primary caregiver is experienced as a severe threat to the child’s survival. According to Bowlby, therefore, the attachment system asks this crucial question: Is my attachment figure nearby, accessible, and attentive to my needs? Depending on the answer to this question, the infant feels secure or insecure. How do we help an infant develop a secure attachment, therefore? We often associate caring for a child with providing them with a comfortable home, quality education, helping them with their homework, ferrying them to and from music lessons and ballet… But is this enough? No, according to Attachment theory. What is needed is something that is referred to as ‘attunement’. This refers to the quality of the parents’ emotional attachment bond with the infant. For example, how do you respond when the toddler is laughing and babbling? In most cases, we would mirror that action back to them. Therefore, we reflect the infant’s emotional communication. Attunement also happens when we comfort the child when they are feeling distressed, and feed them when they’re hungry. When this happens Whether we want it or not, whether we realise it or not, all of us are the product of a couple. The Power of the Couple