Hajja Salesjana January February 2017

2 1 Setting boundaries is particularly difficult if our own needs were trampled upon when we were still very little. Yet, children need to feel secure in their surroundings, in order to become able to experiment and exercise creativity. In other words, parents need to set a schedule and live by it, albeit not too rigidly. By establishing and enforcing rules that, for instance, limit how long children are watching television or playing on the tablet, parents remind children that they have limits, and that the parent is in charge. Setting limits helps build the child’s respect for the parents. Setting limits also teaches children how to set their own limits as they mature. Setting a structure might be tough for parents, because it involves drawing up limits and potentially incurring kids’ wrath. How many of us have cringed after seeing kids throwing a loud tantrum at our local grocer’s, because they want a packet of candies? Challenging limits is natural for the child – it is an important step on their way to independence and autonomy. However, relinquishing discipline does not do the child any favours. When power shifts inappropriately from the parent to the child, the family is in chaos. The child does not know how to manage that power – too much of the adult world lies in their hands. Parents should parent, therefore, not befriend. They should guide with a warm, loving, and understanding touch. When, on the other hand, boundaries are too rigid, all the power shifts to the parents. Children are not allowed to express their views, “because I say so”. This leaves kids equally helpless, with no sense of why things are done in a particular way. Needless to say, this is not very helpful in teaching children the value of evaluating options and making choices. Indeed, when boundaries are too rigid, this often results in extreme rebellion and challenge later on in life. It is important to acknowledge that setting boundaries is not an easy task. One of the ways that could facilitate this would be to promote a culture of communication and discussion within the family. Communication needs to be age-appropriate. For example, try to limit adult gossip or arguments in front of your child. Allow your child to share opinions and input on family activities in an atmosphere of shared family goals. At the same time, maintain you parental right to make the final decision. It is also essential to model obedience to your own schedule, rather than simply expecting the kids to follow rules. Explain to kids that boundaries teach them what is acceptable or not in the way they are treated by others, and vice versa. Indeed, setting boundaries teaches kids how to protect themselves from being trampled upon. When discipline needs to be practiced, try to do this in a spirit of dialogue. Let kids know beforehand what consequences there would be for their actions. Needless to say, consequences need to be reasonable and proportionate to the misbehaviour. Once you promise something, make sure you follow through, if you want your