Hajja Salesjana November December 2016

22 disengaged. An enmeshed relationship has no sense of separation between the two individuals – the other person’s needs feelings are my feelings; he is an extension of myself, and no difference in perception is tolerated. In a disengaged relationship, on the other hand, persons have a very clear separation point, and roles are rigidly maintained. Consider these scenarios: Do you find yourself doing more and more for less and less? Do you find yourself communicating your displeasure through underhand comments or sarcasm? Do you alter your plans, behaviour, or opinions to fit with your spouse’s mood? Do you find yourself nagging your spouse to do things your own way? Do you tend to go along with your wishes, negating your intuition? Do you feel guilty whenever you ask for your needs to be met? A balanced relationship would normally have a healthy mix of engagement and autonomy. The primary step is to be aware of yourself, your needs, priorities, and preferences. Establish what you like and dislike, what you feel comfortable with, and how you want to be treated. In healthy relationships, spouses take the other person’s feelings into account, show gratitude, and respect differences in perspectives and opinion. They ask permission rather than impose their own needs. Conversely, in less healthy relationships, people tend to presume what the other person feels, and ignore the effect of their actions on the other person. Another common mistake is to assume that the other person knows what your needs are. You expect that your spouse would pick up on your hints that you want things to be done in a particular way, and feel offended when they don’t, rather than clearly stating your preferences. Some partners are afraid that stating their needs would lead to an argument. Hence, direct communication gives way to misunderstandings and assumptions. Vague boundaries also tend not to work. For instance, ‘Don’t spend too much money’ might mean something to you, but might indicate something completely different to your spouse. Above all, agreeing that both partners would assume responsibility for the way they feel is imperative. For example, have you ever come across a mother who would lash out at the person closest to her if she happens to drop the bowl she’s carrying? Do you ever find yourself worrying yourself sick about the way your partner might react? Finally, talk about what boundaries mean to each of you. Because all of us have had different upbringings, we will all have learnt different notions of boundaries. In the next issue of Hajja Salesjana , we will look at the ways we could set healthy boundaries with children.