Hajja Salesjana November December 2016

2 1 might lose objectivity when they’re flattered. One spouse might give the other person the silent treatment when he’s displeased. How do boundaries develop? We normally learn about boundaries from our family of origin, particularly from the way our parents model relationships. For example, it is healthy for parents to have a private life separate from their children. On the other hand, parents violate boundaries when they, or one of them, use children as confidants for their marital issues. In a relatively healthy family, children are allowed to develop in ways that could be different from other family members. Conversely, when our parents’ need to maintain appearances is overwhelmingly strong, for instance, they fail to understand the child’s underperformance at school. The child feels smothered and learns that there is no space for his thoughts and feelings. He might grow with no sense of personal boundaries – indeed, in trying to meet his parents’ needs, he loses sight of his own. Eventually, in his own romantic relationships, he might acquiesce to having his needs intruded upon, as that is a very familiar pattern for him. He might derive his identity for safety and security from his spouse. Alternatively, he might learn that the only way he could get his needs met is to trample upon the other person’s needs and wishes. Thus, an unhealthy cycle is maintained (and passed on to other generations). How would you know if you have an issue with boundaries? There are no hard and fixed rules as to the exact point at which boundaries become dysfunctional. Relationships tend to fall on a continuum, ranging from enmeshed to