Hajja Salesjana November December 2016

by Marlene Cauchi D.CounsPsy 20 What are boundaries, and why are they so important? When we hear the word ‘boundary’, what often comes to mind is a physical boundary, a separation that establishes what belongs to me and what belongs to somebody else. Boundaries could be physical, emotional, spiritual, sexual or relational. They consist of what is considered safe and appropriate, and include our unique set of beliefs, values, goals, roles we choose to play, feelings, and perceptions. In relationships, boundaries translate as both individuals having a clear sense of self worth, of who they are, and what makes them unique. A relationship composed of such individuals has great potential for intimacy and commitment, where differences are valued and appreciated. Indeed, differences contribute to the strength of the relationship and to individuals themselves. Boundaries protect us from being manipulated or enmeshed with other people who are emotionally needy. They make it possible to acknowledge our own needs, thoughts, and feelings. Hence, they allow us to validate our own strengths and weaknesses, accept differences in opinion, and ask for help when needed. Broadly speaking, boundaries stipulate where one person ends and the other begins. Whilst this might sound commonplace and rather obvious, it might be surprising to hear that lots of relationships have issues with boundaries. In fact, the closer we get to the other person, the more potential there is for boundaries to become too loose or too rigid. ‘How?’ you might ask. Consider a wife whose wellbeing oscillates in tandem with her husband’s moods. Imagine a man who seemingly never has any preference as to what he’d like to do on a Saturday evening. Some people might continually disregard intuition in order to satisfy their spouse’s wishes. Others We often hear about the importance of boundaries. Indeed, one of the most common complaints about people is when they don’t seem to have any boundaries. However, in romantic relationships, people often think of boundaries as a bad thing, or simply unnecessary. Isn’t our partner or spouse supposed to anticipate our needs and feelings? Isn’t that part of being in love? Aren’t boundaries rather callous? Boundaries in Relationships What for?