Hajja Salesjana - September October 2016

22 what would make us feel loved, as well as what we need to do or say to help the other person to feel loved... Bear in mind that, as human beings, we are likely to have some insecurities. It would be useful to have conversations about the kinds of things that make us feel insecure. For example, some women feel insecure when their husband has female friendships. Some men might feel insecure when their wife insists on spending time with her family of origin. Again, rather than understanding all this in light of the baggage we bring in from our own families, we might resort to blame, accusations, and victimisation. Discuss how you could arrive to a compromise, rather than one person getting his or her way, particularly when this always seems to go in one particular direction! Further, it might be helpful to remember that your spouse cannot read your mind. His or her upbringing is different from yours. They seek self-worth in a different way to yours. If you need something, say it. It is pointless (and potentially very frustrating) to expect your partner to know how important compliments or validation are to you – say it! Find out from your spouse what he or she needs to feel loved. Often, it is something as simple as spending quality time together once a week, or paying small but regular compliments. Our needs are nothing to be ashamed of, and we all have them! It is usually more productive to validate what your partner is already doing to show you their love, rather than solely focusing on that one thing that you wish they were doing better. Finally, make sure that you speak to your spouse with the same respect you would wish to be spoken to. How would you want to be treated? Would you speak to your colleague in the same way you would speak to your partner? How would you want your children to speak to you? Model a considerate relationship with your spouse. Good luck!