Hajja Salesjana - September October 2016

2 1 Someone might get really frustrated because her husband knows that watching television while she’s cleaning the house irritates her, and therefore interprets it as a sign that he must not really care about how she feels. He, on the other hand, might assume that her failure to make it back home in time for dinner time shows her lack of commitment to him. Instead, attempt to go beyond your existing presuppositions. Make sure you are prepared to listen – really listen, without letting your anger cloud your spouse’s words. Try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes before acting out on your anger. Indeed, try not to act out at all! Simply put, acting out is when we carry out an unhelpful behaviour in order to express feelings that we are not otherwise capable of expressing. For example, a child’s frequent binge eating might be a way of expressing and filling an inner emotional void. We often engage in accusations and make hurtful comments that we might not otherwise say, instead of acknowledging other feelings of fear, anxiety, vulnerability, and insecurity. Sometimes, a couple might need to have a conversation at a later time, when both partners are willing to listen to the other. One way to enhance communication patterns is to ensure that you speak about yourself. Say something about you that would reveal something of you to your husband or wife at that particular moment. Have an agreement not to embarrass or humiliate each other. All of us experience some irrational thoughts. Respect the fact that our fears, including irrational ones, have been learnt over time and might have had a meaning in the past. If you’re listening to your partner, try to understand their point of view, rather than telling them what they should be doing. It is likely, that your spouse will know that already, and they just need to be heard and validated. We often come to marriage with pre-existing assumptions about what the other person needs to do for us to feel loved or cared for. This is usually based upon what we learnt in our families of origin. What we might forget is that our spouse comes in with another set of assumptions... and they very rarely converge! We therefore need to verbalise what we need,