Hajja Salesjana - September October 2016

20 by Marlene Cauchi D.CounsPsy What exactly do we need to talk about? The media is saturated with articles about the need for communication and tips guaranteed to make your marriage more successful. But what is the essence of deeper communication? When we communicate, we fundamentally communicate our reality. We share who we are, including our feelings and concerns. What often happens is that we find ourselves engaging in everyday talk about the kids and work. We agree on who is picking up whom from ballet and private lessons, we complain about our dictatorial boss, we talk about the need to buy a new washing machine and money issues ... Essentially, there is no sharing of the deeper reality of ourselves! And yet, is it not when we are able to trust and deeply understand each other that we feel closest to the other person? So what do we mean when we speak about better communication? Let’s go back to the title of this article... We need to talk! It immediately presumes that whoever is demanding the discussion has a bone to pick with the other person. The other person will be accused of something they have done, and therefore need to defend themselves. This is one of the very first difficulties – one spouse is presumed to be right, and the other one is seen as being in the wrong. Marriage becomes a power struggle – a competition about who is right or wrong, who is more justified in feeling angry, who is putting more in the relationship, and who is sacrificing more for the family. We are filled with resentment and disappointment. Indeed, communication can only work when we give up the need to be right! Try to be open to listen to the person’s feelings behind the frustration, and also try to communicate your own feelings behind your complaints. The most heated arguments occur when we presume to know the intentions of our spouse. What feelings do these words instil in you? How many of us actually look forward to this kind of conversation? I don’t think it would be an exaggeration to state that most of us would be filled with dread and apprehension, wanting to run away and hide. And yet, many meaningful conversations in couples are reduced to these dreaded conversations, filled with blame, defensiveness, and upset feelings.