Hajja Salesjana - May June 2016

22 youngest sibling of three. All his life, he had to find ways of establishing himself within the family. He was very sensitive to being overlooked and unheard. With his wife, he felt helpless and incapable of being useful, given her impossibly high standards. He tried to overcome this by telling her what he thought she should do, but felt dismissed by her unwillingness to accept his suggestions. In their attempt to be there for each other, they were inadvertently acting out their own childhood struggles. Rather than putting themselves in the other’s shoes, they were interpreting their spouse’s feelings as judgements upon their own sense of worth. The baggage they were carrying was hindering their ability to understand the other’s motivations for the things they did. I would suggest that this happens to all of us, to some degree. Our childhood wounds are behind some of the more common disagreements. Indeed, the partner we pick often repeats dynamics that are familiar to us. We end up feeling the same way we used to feel growing up. Think about your most common disagreement with your wife or husband. What do you feel? Underneath your anger and disappointment, what is your hurt or fear? How is this familiar to you? Put yourself in your spouse’s shoes. What might they be feeling? What might their fears be? Our upbringing often guides our motivation for the things we do. This becomes problematic when we start assuming what the other person’s intentions are, and then act upon our assumptions. Perhaps you could have a conversation about each of your feelings during a recent argument. It’s often surprising to hear the way the other feels and imagines your thoughts! The more we communicate our feelings, the less space there will be for assumptions, speculation and misunderstandings!